She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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