the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
