So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
