I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
