names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
