The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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