I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
