dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Randomize
