Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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