I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
