The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
