Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
