My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
