I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
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