Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
