Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Randomize
