On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Randomize
