Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
