if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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