bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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