I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
