dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
My sheets look like a crime scene.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
