I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
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