I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
