you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
