i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
you win again, gameday.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
