she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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