Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
