to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Randomize
