I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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