I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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