Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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