Life is so much better after having sex.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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