take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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