Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
