is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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