I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
