Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
