Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
