why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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