I cannot find my penis.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
My boob is missing a layer of skin
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
