Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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