I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
