Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
