I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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