i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
