she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
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