Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Randomize
