My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
