I am puke
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
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