dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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